From the Daily Record, May 29, 1996

Reform Marriage, Not Divorce

Young people need to know what they’re getting into

By LEE MARCH GRAYSON

After years of public pressure, our state legislature has finally begun to take up the issue of divorce reform. No doubt, worries about re-election underlie the concerns of some of our elected officials. So far, however, there has been no definitive progress on divorce reform – just talk.

Rather than addressing the key issues that arise when a marriage breaks down, however, some of our legislators simply want to make it more difficult to get divorced!

Should our objective as a society be to force married couples who don’t want to – or can’t – live together to remain married, miserable and potential domestic violence statistics? I think not.

Instead, our society needs to re-evaluate and strengthen the institution of marriage.

With divorce rates soaring to 50 percent, especially among younger couples, and many other marriages in trouble, the time has come to examine why so many partners in love can’t seem to make their relationships thrive after matrimony.

Record numbers of people are getting married each year. If we are serious about reducing the divorce rate in New Jersey, then we need to educate couples about the reality of marriage before vows are exchanged.

One way to do this would be to provide voluntary education, with appropriate incentives, for couples who attend “marriage school.” Incentives to complete courses in marriage and family living might include a lower fee for a marriage license and a waiver of blood testing. (Do we really need a blood test that checks only for syphilis in the age of AIDS?)

Another way to strengthen marriage would be to mandate marriage education as part of the family living curriculum in high schools. Parents of secondary schools students frequently question whether the classroom is the appropriate forum for sex education.

But let’s not lose focus. Ignorance about sex rarely lies at the core of failed marriages.

Education is the key to saving the institution of marriage and preventing and/or reducing the number of divorces in the future. Our lawmakers should reform our marriage statutes with an eye toward encouraging engaged couples to attend marriage education courses.

These courses would teach prospective spouses how to live with each other, to share, to cooperate, to love, to raise children, and to deal with life crises – all with an emphasis on reality, not fantasy.

Such courses would have several benefits:

• To give couples a chance to think through their feelings before the marriage ceremony
• To help them iron out differences on their own or to seek pre-marriage counseling, if necessary
• To end relationships that aren’t healthy or viable before tragedy strikes

With marriage education, we will equip couples with knowledge and the power to make intelligent, practical decisions about their futures. We will also take a big step toward curbing the soaring divorce rate and easing the pain, guilt and hurt that divorce leaves in its wake.